The Shadows Within
by Lissa Strawberry
Summary: Self hatred sends Ben Skywalker spiraling towards the Dark Side. Darth Caedus takes him on as an apprentice and appoints him guardian for his daughter Allana while a broken Luke Skywalker attempts to piece together what's left of his life. PLEASE R&R!
1. Chapter 1

_The Light was a punishment for all of his sins. He found it hard to live everyday with the grace he had been afforded. But just as his heart kept beating—albeit painfully—he found the will to keep living.

* * *

_

"Ben."

He could not raise his head. He knew that he had to, had to at least acknowledge the pleading voice...

"Ben, you must get up. Ben, please."

_You murdered my mother._

"Ben...I need you."

_I need her._

"What have I ever asked of you that you could not do?"

_I cannot do this. Dad, help me...I can't...I can't..._

"Are you calling...for _him?_" And with that, the boy's body was wracked with lightning—Dark punishment in light form.

He screamed, but he did not call for anyone. No one deserved to share in his pain; he could not inflict it on anyone. He could not _share_ it...

_But Dad knows. He knows anyway...and he is coming..._

"You think he is coming for you...even now?" The master laughed mirthlessly. The coldness in his laugh could have hurt the apprentice, but he was far beyond it.

"You think you are beyond this. Oh, Ben...what an apprentice you will be! How the galaxy will tremble at your power!"

"_You_..."

It was the first he had spoken in a long time. All background noise ceased; the master was listening.

"If _you_...tremble...that will...be...enough..." Ben Skywalker raised his gashed face and searched for his cousin's dark eyes.

Jacen Solo stared down at the child at his feet. His eyes smoldered with something between hate and...love. After all the pair had been through, Jacen still loved Ben.

_A sliver of Light remains._

Ben's fearlessly clear eyes matched his cousin's stare.

And Ben thought, _But it is not enough._

Jacen extended his hand, his eyes suddenly warm and welcoming. Red haze danced across Ben's vision; instinctively, he reached.

As their hands met, no Jedi alive was left in doubt of that moment.\

* * *

And in that moment, Luke Skywalker broke. 


	2. Chapter 2

_Luke, get up. Please, get up._

"No..."

_If I've ever asked anything of you..._

"...I can't..."

_Luke...this is our _son. _You have saved every other child in the galaxy; now it's time to save our own!_

Luke wept.

* * *

Jacen—or Caedus, as he insisted on being called—had continually counseled Ben to let his anger flow.

Well, it was flowing, all right. He felt such anger and hatred for himself that he was surprised that his lightsaber had not jumped off his belt of its own accord and put an end to his pathetic life.

The son of Luke Skywalker..._a coward._ The son of Mara Jade Skywalker..._a betrayer._

_My mother..._

And the anger flared up again; Caedus seemed to have gotten used to having to parry sudden, vicious attacks from his apprentice. Either Caedus accepted these attacks as the way of the Sith, or there was just enough of Jacen left to empathize with his cousin's plight. He said nothing, only defended himself. Ben's anger and raw potential were enough to stay Caedus' hand. Ben's open blue eyes were enough to pain Jacen's soul.

But Darth Caedus took Jacen's pain and used it, quietly sharpening Ben as his newest tool.

* * *

The nights were the hardest. The light of day would sear and blind him, but the dark of night suffocated him. The darkness was the barrier between him and everything he held dear. The darkness had destroyed his family; the darkness had taken his mother.

And now, the darkness had taken _him_. But he was not at peace; there was no peace in living suspended between belief and doubt.

Caedus had accepted Darkness as a personal price for peace.

Ben had given himself over to the darkness that was already within him. _There's your twice of nothing_, he whispered to himself. _You have become what you always have been...and have no one to blame but yourself._

* * *

Caedus backhanded his apprentice across the face. "You cannot be gray. I will not allow it."

Ben touched his face, his emotions quiet. "I _need_ the gray for now...it is all I have."

"To be in the gray is to have some light and some darkness. Either be weak or be strong. I will not have you be both. You are fit for nothing but the fire." Caedus drew his lightsaber and lifted it in an ironic salute; he was about to deliver the executioner's blow.

But Ben blocked it with relative ease. "Your path was gray, Jacen Solo. I only follow in my master's footsteps."

And it was Jacen who returned his lightsaber to its clip and stared at his cousin with depthless eyes. "You could have saved her...but you didn't. Where is the gray in that?"

And having played his hand exactly according to plan, Darth Caedus left Ben Skywalker alone with his memories—memories more deadly than any death blow.

And Ben wept.


	3. Chapter 3

Caedus demanded the sacrifice of parents of the altar of Darkness. He was still hunting Han and Leia Solo; he ordered that Ben be his personal assassin of the parents of his enemies.

But Ben could not do it. Time and again, he failed. He knew that Jacen Solo had grown up feeling abandoned and betrayed by absent parents—but Ben Skywalker knew from experience that the absenteeism was not desired. He knew that his uncle and aunt wanted to be with their children just as much as Luke and Mara Skywalker had wanted to be with their son. Though he carried half-healed scars as a war baby with a stolen childhood, he carried the memories of his father's warmth, his mother's smile, and most of all, their love. He could not bring himself to murder a child's parents and destroy others the way that Caedus had destroyed him.

Ben had lost his right hand for his many failures. But he had held firm: a hand could be replaced. A parent could not. It was the one shaft of Light that remained, granted to him by his mother's sacrifice.

And that knowledge was painful. _I will never be completely dark because I knew light...once. But she had to die for that light to remain; what would she say if she could see me now?_

_( ... forever will it dominate your destiny... )_

_But there is no other way,_ he told himself sadly. He could only bide his time and wait for Caedus to fall. Then, and only then would he take Caedus' place and suspend parental killings; he allowed himself to occasionally dream of a galaxy where families were never ripped apart.

The primal despair that ate him from within knew that _that_ must have been how Jacen had become Caedus, all for the sake of a shadowy principle called "peace." He had had a flash of insight: by trying to fix Caedus' mistakes, while walking somewhere within the Dark Side, he would only tear those families even more apart.

_( ...But who will save them?... )_

But he would wait and he would see. The part he had forgotten was that arrogance always was a trait of the Sith.

* * *

After several years, there was still an empty place within him where his mother had lived. The ache plagued him; the darkness could not heal him.

He could feel his father reaching for him; every now and then, he could feel Luke Skywalker's warm touch on his heart, like fingers brushing tears away.

But he could feel his father's brokenness and could not reach back. At first, it was because he knew he had broken his father. But eventually the Darkness won when it was his father he blamed for Jacen's fall and Mara Skywalker's death.

* * *

_Mother..._

* * *

Darth Caedus had given up his soul to protect his daughter. He had cut open his own heart when he had sacrificed the child's mother, the only woman he had ever loved.

It was easy, he reflected later, to kill someone you hated. He had loved her once, but that love was salt in his mouth. She had tried to turn his daughter against him, and he would not have it. The child was innocent; the parent was not. His logic was Dark and complete.

So he put her to death.

Ben had held little Allana as they both wept.

* * *

_Why did you do this?_

_I am innocent...which is more than I can say for you._

_You turned—_

_I never turned, nor have I ever caused anyone else to turn. If you have turned, that is through no fault of mine. You gave into the darkness we all carry—but you gave _in. _Why didn't you fight? Why didn't you—_

—_I could make this easier for you—_

_Make what easier? I cannot come back to you—we will never trust each other. I will not let you hurt my child._

_And what can you do when you're dead?_

_Are you listening to yourself? Why did you throw my love away? I loved you, I held you, I _believed_ in you—what have you done?_

* * *

Caedus heard Tenel Ka; Ben heard Mara Skywalker. Caedus lived under the delusion that he had defeated his demons; Ben Skywalker knew better. The demons were not defeated; they were simply waiting. 

_what have you done?_

_why did you do this?_

_you turned..._

_in the absence of light, the shadows gather_

_...one light, only one..._

_a candle can dispel the darkness._

* * *

_Mother..._

* * *

Little Allana heard Tenel Ka. 


	4. Chapter 4

"She will stay here with us, in the Palace."

Ben looked up at his master. "Here, sir?"

"Yes. And _you_ will protect her. _You_ will not rob her of the one parent she has left."

Ben choked, unable to speak.

( ..._mother..._ )

"She will remain a princess and you will be her guardian. Guard her well, apprentice...or it will not go well for you."

Caedus left Ben, his cape billowing in his wake. Ben had a wild urge to hurt Caedus' daughter, just to end the nightmarish cycle; but Allana's eyes were young and innocent and he would have to stay his hand.

Just as his master had foreseen.

* * *

Mara, Leia, Jaina, Nelani, Seha, Allana, Jysella, Myri, Syal, Tionne, Mirax: the women who had touched little Ben Skywalker's life returned to haunt the young man's dreams. Brown eyes faded into blue, blue eyes faded into emerald. It was always his mother who began and ended the dreams, her eyes bright with relentless purpose.

She stood silent in his dreams, as if guarding him. The other women would crowd around him and simply look, saying nothing.

"Nothing else helps." Luke Skywalker's soft voice cut across the dreams and suddenly the women were laughing to see him dancing with an empty crooked arm, where baby Ben had been cradled next to his father's heart. And as Ben watched, his baby self would suddenly appear in Luke's arms and his father would stop and hold him close.

* * *

Caedus held Allana close and kissed her goodnight. "The galaxy for my princess."

* * *

Luke held Ben close and kissed him goodnight. "I love you, little Ben."

* * *

Luke's eyes stared into Ben's with the same relentless purpose as his mother's. "We're waiting for you. Come back, Ben."

* * *

_I can't come back. There's nowhere for me to go back to. The dark is safe; I can hide..._


	5. Chapter 5

Time passed. But Time, often called a healer, had not been kind.

The Jedi had given Ben up for lost; Kyle Katarn had succeeded Luke as Grand Master; Luke had quietly withdrawn into himself and to his small quarters in the Jedi Temple, no longer teaching, no longer talking. The Luke that haunted Ben's dreams with that relentless purpose did not exist anymore. The Luke Ben always saw was only an echo of Luke's spirit. The man himself was a shell.

His Force presence was soft and muted, barely felt unless one was looking for it. His dark-blonde hair had grayed overnight and the sunlight betrayed the years of his life.

He had come to the point of wanting to become one with the Force; he had no fight left in him anymore. His wife was gone, his family splintered, and his only child a direct heir to the darker side of the Skywalker legacy.

What had he done? Or, what had he left undone that had led to this?

Caedus had assured Luke through the Force that he was taking _good_ care of his son. And for the first time in a long time, Luke Skywalker was paralyzed. He could do nothing; he knew Ben would have to find his way back to the Light on his own. There was not much he could do for his son.

_But isn't your part one of a redeemer?_ his wife's voice chided him. _Bring him back..._

"I have done all I can," Luke said clearly. "I have given everything, and now I have nothing. Nothing but the fruits of my failures..."

He had taken to holding his lightsaber in his hands, staring at it without seeing it, his mind a blissful blank. He no longer feared the day when he would turn it on himself.

But even now, at his lowest, as a failed father and teacher, he still had the barest hope that his son would return to the Light, would return to _him_. And it was that hope that, unknown to Luke, reached across the galaxy to haunt his son.

Luke could wait, but for how long?

* * *

"Master Skywalker?"

The days had dragged on into weeks, weeks into months. There were daily reports of developments in Darth Caedus' reign and of the progress of his red-headed apprentice. Luke still took them, hoping to see his son's face.

He laid in bed, still dressed in yesterday's clothes, a full week's growth of stubble on his face, and a voice called again, "Master Skywalker?"

He did not move or answer. He did not respond to that name anymore.

"Luke?"

"I'm coming," he said softly and groaned as he hauled himself to his feet. Pressing the door release, he found himself face-to-face with Corran Horn.

"Keiran," he said warmly.

Corran smiled sadly. The master was slipping—back into happier days it seemed, more and more. "Master—Luke, Malinza Thanas has sent you a message through the Temple comm—she says you weren't answering your private comm."

Luke nodded, staring at Corran's hand. Corran handed him a datacube.

"I've arranged for your X-wing to be on standby, Luke," Corran said. "Let me know if you need anything..."

Luke nodded and stepped back into his quarters. He looked at the datacube and activated it.

Little Malinza, he thought. His adopted daughter. He had been wrong—Ben was not his only child. Maybe Malinza could share some Balance with him, or warm his soul just as her mother had done so many lifetimes ago.

"Hi, Uncle Luke," came Malinza's voice. "I wanted to let you know that I'm with you. If you need anything at all..."

—_I'll be there._ That was what everyone said.

"But I also wanted to tell you—I'm getting married! And I want you to be there. It would mean so much to me if we could spend some time together before the wedding, and if you could give me away..."

In spite of himself, Luke's heart swelled with love and pride. Little Malinza, getting married. Her mother would have been proud.

"I consider you my father too," her voice continued softly. "I know you are hurting...but I need you...and I think you might need me too..."

The recording ended and Luke tucked the cube into a pocket of his robe. The memory of her smile chased some of the sadness away. It was time to shake off his depression and be with those he loved.

"Artoo?"

R2-D2 beeped an affirmative from the wall socket.

"We're going to Bakura."

* * *

"Your father, it seems, is on the move." Caedus sat at the head of the polished table, chewing thoughtfully.

Allana sat to his right, Ben on his left. Allana never spoke at mealtimes and in fact, rarely spoke to her father beyond niceties. Caedus never noticed; he was too enamored of the _idea_ of having a daughter that he never bothered to maintain a relationship with her; and neither princess nor apprentice liked indulging in conversation in the Sith Lord's presence.

Ben continued eating, if somewhat mechanically. _So it's come to this. You had to come out into the open, didn't you, Dad?_

Allana heard that; her gray eyes widened perceptibly.

"I don't mean to send you after him, _little Ben_," Caedus chuckled, "not yet. We will let him be a little longer. When you have fully transitioned out of your pitiful _gray_ we will move."

Ben nodded silently. Allana's eyes were full of questions. He shook his head, but just barely.

* * *

"Luke Skywalker is your father."

Ben looked up to see Allana following him. He turned away. "In a manner of speaking."

"He either is or isn't, Ben _Skywalker_—and I would say _is_. Why else would you have kept his name?"

( ..._skywalker...it's only a name... )_

Why indeed, he had often wondered. He would have changed his name to Ben Jade, to honor his mother, but something had prevented that.

"So he's my father. So what?"

"Caedus will kill him." Allana said it as fact, but how could she know? She had been sheltered from anything too indelicate for her royal ears. "My father will kill your father."

Ben shrugged.

( _a shadow has no use for a father )_

Allana's eyes flashed. "Don't you _care_? He's your _father_!"

Ben smiled a smile he didn't feel. "Caedus has never told you...but he killed my mother. And we saw him kill yours. It is only right that he completes the cycle."

"You wish to—depart—with him?" Allana's expression suddenly softened to understanding. "You would sacrifice yourself for your father?"

Suddenly, he slapped her. "How dare you suggest that a Sith apprentice retain any values relating to the weaker side of the Force? How dare you even hint that I still lo—"

He fled.

* * *

"Ben...Ben, I'm sorry."

Ben sat on his bed, face turned away from his visitor. "You are not allowed in here. Go away."

"You sound like a child." Allana moved to sit beside him. "Ben...you must stop my father. I—I—can't take this anymore!"

Startled, Ben turned to stare at her. "You have _nothing_ to deal with, Princess Allana," he said quietly. "I watch over you, your father watches over you. The Jedi won't touch you. You are safe."

"And surrounded by darkness," she said bitterly.

"But not touched by it," he tried to smile.

The Force rocked with her anger and—yes, her hatred. Ben had tried to protect her—

"I watched my father kill my mother _in cold blood_, Ben Skywalker," Allana whispered fiercely. "I watched her die while you held me. We watched—_and did nothing._ How could you even _try_ to protect me from that?"

* * *

_Show me how you killed her._

_Ben, we've been through this. _

_You have taken everything from me. Why deny me this? Don't you want me Dark?_

_Come with me, Ben. Let us flow-walk. You will understand my sacrifice...for I loved your mother as well..._

* * *

Allana was sobbing. Ben drew her close and laid his red-gold head on top of her dark red one. Their tears mingled as he drew on the Force to take them on a journey—to the day his mother had died.

_Don't try to fight it...no healing trance...Don't you see, Mara?_

Allana's heart was breaking for her cousin. She knew how much he loved and revered his mother.

This particular flow-walk had been repeated many times, as soon as Ben secretly mastered the skill, but it never stopped being painful. Ben held onto Allana just as fiercely as she clung to him.

_I refuse to let you ruin the future for my Ben._

"It's not ruined yet, Ben," Allana whispered. "We can save it, you and me..._I can save you_..."

The past faded and they were back in Ben's room.

"No one can save me, Allana," he replied gently, "but I will never forget that you offered." He touched her face, wiping away her tears. "Let me escort you back to your quarters, Princess."

She nodded, still crying silently.

* * *

Luke woke from hyperspace slumber with a start. It was that dream again—Mara's death, Jacen's betrayal, and Ben looking on in despair. It had repeated so many times over the years until Luke finally welcomed it as another moment to see his wife and son.

He rubbed his eyes and checked his instrument panel. Artoo twittered an ETA of fifteen minutes before entering Bakura's atmosphere. Luke mumbled soft thanks and ran his fingers through his hair.

_If Leia can do it, so can I._

His heart ached, but he gathered the Force for strength.

_Ben is no longer my child. My son, but not my child. Malinza, my child but not my daughter._

_(...I have no son...)_

And the memory of a despairing son was left in the stars as Luke touched down planetside.

* * *


	6. Chapter 6

Ben snapped awake. His father's emotions were rocking the Force so hard he doubted that any Force-user was sleeping.

_I have no son_.

Ben caught the echo from their father-son bond; was Luke experiencing every flow-walk into...that day?

_(...mother...)_

From the heartache across their bond, he knew Luke _was_ experiencing every flow-walk and possibly every single one of his nightmares. It tore at him to realize he was hurting his father—

_It's his fault that Jacen fell_, he reminded himself. _He doesn't deserve any pity._

But if Luke was heading to Bakura, Ben knew who he would be seeing. He felt a stab of jealousy.

_(...you should be saving _me_, not her!)_

Let his father live his domestic, weak, Light-side life. Ben would continue to do the heavy lifting. He would rebuild the galaxy and not ever have to bring his father into his plans.

Ben never could quite remember the fact that his father had dedicated his long life to the galaxy and had never achieved peace.

* * *

Little Allana remembered. She was too young to have lived through the wars the elder generation had, but she remembered her mother's stories. Stories she had heard at her mother's knee, stories of growing up in Luke Skywalker's academy, stories of fighting and wars and bloodshed, stories of love, honor and profound respect. Her mother had raised her according to Jedi ethics and morals, taught her to touch the Force as both a Jedi and a human being, and loved her as a daughter, not as the _idea_ of one.

And Allana was very keen on a father-son reconciliation. She could sense the light, albeit shadowed, within her cousin. She knew he loved his father just as much as his mother, but could not admit it. She suspected, but could not understand, that Ben blamed his father for the current Darkness. Ben might have held his father responsible, but Allana _knew_ that it was really himself he blamed for his mother's death.

Why he would blame himself, Allana could only wonder. She had seen what had happened on that flow-walk; Mara Skywalker's murder was solely Caedus' fault. Ben had had nothing to do with it.

She had picked up on the fact that her father had sacrificed Mara in order not to have to sacrifice Ben. She sensed that Ben did not know that. She did not know what he would do if he did know. Would anything change? Would Ben break, or would he finally kill Caedus?

_(...or worse, would he...would he...love him?)_

_If he does that, Allana, you will be alone._

_Alone versus having a murderer for a father? He killed my mother, he killed Ben's mother...my aunt. Mara Jade Skywalker would have been my aunt. She could have been my master. And Luke is my uncle. And Ben is—Ben—we're family. _

_I have a family._

She knew from her studies that only the united power of the Skywalkers would take down a Sith Lord.

_I am a Skywalker too._

_(...it's more than a name)_

Even if the Sith Lord was her father.

_I'll orphan myself._

_Is your life worth more than a galaxy at peace?_

The Dark did not have Allana...yet.

* * *

_Daddy?_

_Yes, my love?_

_Why do you leave me all the time?_

_Honey, I'm the emperor—I run the galaxy._

_You were never there for me when I was small._

_I was out making the galaxy safer for you, sweetie._

_Oh._

* * *

_Dad?_

_Yes, son?_

_Nothing._

_Ben?_

_Yeah, Dad...?_

_Talk to me._

_You and Mom are gone all the time._

_I know, son._

_When are you going to be here for me?_

_We are always here for you, no matter what. Even if we can't be physically present, we are always thinking of you, missing you, and wanting to be with you. Believe me, I want nothing more than to be here with you and your mother._

_Other kids need you, Dad._

_I know. But I know you need me too. And I'm here._


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Hey folks, I just wanna say thanks to my loyal readers...and also, please REVIEW. I find reviews encouraging...

* * *

Malinza Thanas held her uncle close, her warm presence enveloping him.

Luke buried his face in her dark hair, smelling namana nectar and honeyed sweetness. He pulled back to smile into her mismatched gray and green eyes.

"Hi, Uncle," she said softly, touching his cheek. "I've missed you."

"I've missed you too, Linzi," he murmured. How like her mother she looked.

She reached for him in the Force, as he had taught her, reassuring him of her affection and love.

"I've prepared a place for you in my mother's home—my home now," she said. "You'll be next door to me...just in case my fiancée tries to sneak a peek at my wedding dress!"

She laughed, a musical sound. The notes carried on the light breeze, caressing him. She took his hand in hers and led the way through the gardens.

After he had gotten settled, he made his way back into the lush green gardens of the Captison-Thanas home. He relaxed into a lawn chair, letting his robe fall around him. He relaxed his grip on the Force and allowed his presence to expand and breathe. He relaxed tensed muscles and simply let the sun shine on his skin.

Malinza stood in the doorway, watching her adopted uncle with an affectionate smile.

"Come join me, Linzi," he said, patting the chair next to him.

She waited.

He sat up and looked at her. She looked back, winking her green eye.

"Just for you, little Linzi," he said, smiling.

She raised her hands, beaming, as Luke picked her up in the Force and floated her to her chair. She moved gracefully, laughing and giggling like she did as the small child she used to be.

"I always did love that," she laughed as she settled into her chair. "Ooh, Mara used to get so mad—but I think she liked it too."

Luke grinned at the memory.

"And then she'd float Ben so he wouldn't feel left out." Malinza was still laughing; Luke's mirth subsided at the mention of his son's name. Malinza sensed it and stopped.

"He's made some mistakes, Uncle," she said, placing a comforting hand on his arm. "But inside, he's still a good boy. He just...lacks Balance."

_I have...religious difficulties with your kind._

Luke smiled wistfully as he watched Malinza finger the heirloom pendant around her neck. _Balance. He simply...lacks...balance. _He wanted to laugh using the fragments of his heart.

Unbidden, he heard his younger voice say, _There will always be people who are strong for evil. If the only way to protect others is for a few to become strong in the Force for good, isn't that important?_

_(isn't it?)_

_You could manipulate people easily if you chose to_, Gaeriel Captison spoke from the past.

_I wouldn't._ He had blushed. _That would be dishonest. There's no future in it._

Even Mara had entertained those same thoughts: _Vader and Skywalker, drawing lit sabers on her master—_

He had turned from the darkness, hadn't he? Hadn't he turned from the Emperor, from Vader, from countless wars and tyrants and family members that had threatened to extinguish his light?

_(...you are attached...and are walking down the dark path...)_

"Uncle?" Malinza asked quietly.

Luke shook himself out of the past. _Receding more and more, am I, Keiran?_ "I—struggle—with what Ben has become. He is no longer my—my—" He couldn't say it.

Malinza moved closer to him, sitting in his lap as she had done as a child. She wrapped her arms around him and simply held him. He shuddered and shook in her arms, but she held tightly.

_The Cosmos balances,_ she whispered with her mother.

"He is your son, Luke," she murmured. "And he will always be."

Luke looked away over the top of her head, running a hand through her hair and covering his mouth with the other.

"My mother told me that 'all things contain darkness and light. Even Jedi, I suppose.' She told me that she said that to you...and regretted it. You have Light, Uncle...and Ben is struggling to find that. You must give him time."

"At the price of the galaxy?" Luke burst out. "My nephew and my son head the new Sith order; how can that be _balance?_"

"You brought light for so long, Uncle," she replied, still quietly. "And now it must balance the other way. As for time...Jacen's is running out. But Ben's future has not played out. Have you not heard of how he lost his right hand?"

Luke flexed his artificial fingers and felt a kind of phantom pain for his son. "I heard."

"What have you heard?"

"He—refused to kill parents. Or children. So Jacen—Caedus—took—took—my Ben's hand...my son, my only son..."

He felt Malinza playing with his tunic, trying to soothe him. "What does that tell you, Uncle?"

"The Light remains...but he is...struggling, as you say. And he will not reach back—he has shut me out. I can only hope," he said, his voice shaking, "that a small child may change his life—as mine was changed. You translate the Force into song, Malinza—you are music—and Ben, birth and creation. My children..."

He wrapped his arm around her and kissed the top of her head. His tears flowed into her hair.

She simply held him.

* * *

_Light endured, and so did darkness. He would choose daily._

* * *


	8. Chapter 8

"Block." _One, two, three._ "Very good. I'm coming at you again." _Parry. Feint, strike. Block._ "You're a natural."

Allana swept her dark red hair out of her eyes. "You forget—my mother taught me the Jedi way; the Hapan guard taught me the formal way. Defensive, offensive—I've been trained in both. My mother felt that was best."

Ben inclined his head in a placating gesture; the last thing he wanted was for this training session to disintegrate into a discussion about _mothers_.

"I wonder about my grandmother," Allana announced, as she slashed high left.

Ben blocked it, though was startled nonetheless. "Grandmother?"

"Your aunt...my grandmother...Leia," Allana replied, holding her lightsaber in classic guard, her gray eyes studying him intently, her Force sense probing him just as he'd taught her.

"And what do you wonder, Your Highness?" Ben waited, studying her in turn. Beads of perspiration lay across her brow; dark circles lurked beneath her over-brilliant eyes.

"I wonder when my father will send you to kill her," she finished, striking out suddenly and viciously.

Ben blocked her again, this time sending her into a slight spin. She absorbed the blow, pirouetting gracefully. Ben caught himself thinking—wistfully—that his mother would have admired Allana's natural dancer's grace.

"Correction," Ben Skywalker said, "your father would never send me for that job. _That_ is something he will do himself."

"He's waiting." Allana began to circle her guardian, lightsaber drawn low.

"For what, Princess?" Ben matched her movements.

She shrugged and abruptly straightened. "I would have liked to know her."

"Why do you speak in the past tense? She's still alive—and Uncle Han, too."

"Do you ever miss them, Ben?" Allana asked, deactivating her saber.

Ben deactivated his as well, with a small sigh. Allana's questions had been growing as of late; though the pair had grown closer, he sometimes felt genuine fear whenever she posed one.

_(There are some things you're better off not knowing...)_

"I don't know, Allana. How can I miss them? That would imply that I still love them. And your father does not allow me to love."

"No, he only allows _himself_ that _tragedy_," Allana sniffed cynically. The tone and accompanying expression rested awkwardly on her young features. "Actually, he _thinks_ he is operating in love—towards the galaxy." Seeing her guardian about to speak, she cut him off, calmly: "He doesn't love me, Ben Skywalker. He is fond of me—but he doesn't _love_ me."

"And what makes you say that?" Playing the part of loyal, if reluctant, apprentice.

Allana smiled; Ben didn't care for the flavor of it. "A daughter _knows_, Ben. My mother always told me he loved me—but I think she was wrong. _She_ loved him—almost more than Hapes. She put herself—and me—in danger in order to help _him_—he should have looked after _us_ better!"

She laughed cruelly before continuing. "_Your_ father, on the other hand, loves _you_. He loves you—I feel it rippling the Force sometimes. He tries to hide it—for your sake. He doesn't want my father to hurt you further."

"If a daughter _knows,_ then a son _knows_," Ben snapped. "My father may _love_ me like you say—but he's disowned me. He's taken up with his adopted daughter—and forgotten all about me."

"What are you talking about?" The princess watched him warily.

"Malinza Thanas," Ben said clearly. "She's an orphan on Bakura...my dad and her mom had a thing once. When her mom—died—and her dad was dead by then as well, my dad kind of...adopted her. Became her patron, more like." And Ben was suddenly assaulted by memories: Malinza—'Linzi' he'd called her—holding his hand, smiling at him, singing lullabies. He'd loved her like a sister; he had cared for her. So why had he been left out of the wedding invitations?

_Sith Lords and apprentices don't get involved in that kind of frivolity_, he reminded himself. Though a part of him understood _why_ he had not been invited, the larger part of him smoldered with resentment.

_(Always in my father's shadow)_

He was so lost in thought that he did not sense Allana move closer to him. She laid her cheek against his and wrapped her arms around him. Instinctively, he held her around the waist.

"Such Darkness I sense in you, Ben Skywalker," she murmured. "But also Light. You need...balance."

He nearly laughed; Allana had no idea she was speaking almost parallel to Malinza's religious beliefs.

"See?" she whispered. "That wasn't so hard."

"What, Sith Lords don't laugh?" he smiled.

"No," was her reply, "but apprentices do."

He held her tighter, breathing in the fresh flower scent of her hair, the innocence of her skin.

"Have you ever tried reaching for the Light within me, Ben?" she asked softly. "Tell me the truth."

"I...yes, I have. But I—it was an accident—I didn't mean to—"

"Shh," she said. "I'm not telling my father. But I want to follow your probe. Would you—would you mind?"

"What purpose would it serve?" he said, just as softly. "We both know that you are a daughter of the Light—no matter what your father may think. _I_ am not training you in either Light of Dark—I am simply teaching you finer attunement to the Force. When you are older, you can cast your lot as you choose." _What would his father say to hear those words from his little Ben's mouth?_

_Destiny is just a gamble anyway,_ he told himself. _Let the dice fly high—let them land where they may. If the Force chooses to guide them—_

"Ben. The probe." Allana looked up at him with pleading eyes, but he detected a flicker of annoyance.

"You haven't told me why," he insisted.

She dropped her eyes, long lashes hiding their expression. "I want you to. Is that a good enough reason?"

"Close your eyes," he whispered into her ear. Keeping one arm around her waist and arm, he reached down the length of her other arm and entwined his fingers with hers. A friendly, loving warmth spread from their touch that they both knew had nothing to do with the probe. But he continued, not dropping her hand, entering her mind as gently and as smoothly as he could.

He had hoped—and feared—that he would be blinded by searing Light—but he was not. Allana was dangling a hair's-breadth from the gray, just on the lighter side.

"I couldn't explain it to you," she mumbled, her face suddenly hot and wet against his. "I needed you to see it for yourself."

"No, Allana. Not now." Ben withdrew from her, mentally and physically. "You cannot fall! I won't have it!"

She stood where he had left her, silent and still. "Many things happen in the universe without _your_ permission, Master Ben," she said sarcastically. "We all dance on the fine line—some fall—some don't."

"This is _not_ something to be taken lightly, _Your Highness_," he spat. "I should—"

"—what? Tell my father?" She laughed. "He'll be happy _you_ led me there—so happy he'll kill _you_ and make _me_ his apprentice!"

That brought Ben up short. Caedus _would_ do that—and Allana would not survive Dark Side training. He knew this instinctively.

"I can't watch you fall," he said helplessly. "Allana—please—"

"_Please_ what, _Apprentice_?" she nearly growled. "Do you think it's easy for _me_ to watch _you_ fall—lower and lower, to see you get darker and more twisted each day? Your mother _loved_ you, Ben Skywalker—but don't let that love _destroy_ you! Your father _loves_ you—why don't you reach back? You are a stubborn, prideful, arrogant—"

"That's enough."

A dark shadow fell across the pair; Ben looked over his shoulder with a feisty Allana in his arms.

Darth Caedus stood in the doorway, looking in with—anger? annoyance? amusement? on his face.

"Why are you in my apprentice's company, _Your Highness?_" he said.

Allana released her grip on Ben and stood with her arms at her sides. "Begging your pardon, Father, but we were practicing Force skills...and is Ben not my friend?"

"Your guardian and teacher—not your friend, Princess," he returned. "I will not have you using such words again. You sound like an academy brat—I've raised you better than that."

Ben flinched as he felt a hot tide of Allana's anger rise and ebb in the Force.

_(My mother raised me)_

"I see we are in need of quality time, daughter," Darth Caedus proclaimed, extending his arm out to his little girl. "Come with me. Master Ben—you are on leave for the rest of the week."

* * *

_On leave._

When was last time he'd taken a break? And since when did Sith acolytes take _vacations?_

* * *

_Gentle waves, lapping at the shore; birds calling softly overhead; sunlight kissing his baby brow._

_"Ben..." his mother whispered, tousling his hair. "Wake up, sweetheart. Let's take a walk down the beach."_

* * *

_"This, son, is the pilot's chair." Luke stood on a ladder next to his X-Wing, little Ben sitting happily in the cockpit. "See my screens—see all the buttons? And look—there's Artoo, ready to go for a ride."_

_"Go fo' wide?" Little Ben clapped his small hands together._

_"Yes, go for a ride," his father smiled, kissing the top of his head._

* * *

The Allana-place in his mind was quiet. Ben wouldn't have put it past Caedus to be blocking the pair's communication. He kept to his quarters for the first two days of his leave, dreading a sudden _painful_ explosion in that special Allana-place. When nothing happened, Ben realized he might actually have to find something to do.

He had no friends; he'd sacrificed all friendship when he'd become Caedus' apprentice.

But he had family.

_Now why would you want to do that?_ his inner voice chastised him. _Suddenly you've got downtime and you want to visit the very people you've alienated?_

One week was a very long time to be alone with oneself. Ben considered himself disciplined, but he still did not relish the idea of meditating. Meditation always brought him too close to

_(guilt, hubris, denial, hatred, angst)_

the call of the Light Side.

_It's calling me back. But turning back...I have so much to atone for...and—Mother, I'm sorry—I'm just not strong enough._

"You should be meditating." Caedus was at Ben's door again, almost as if he were summoned by Ben's train of thought.

"Don't you have anything better to do?" Ben demanded. "I'm on leave."

"So I say—and can take back," Caedus shot back, sounding like Jacen for a moment.

"Where's Allana?"

"_Her Highness_ is currently studying and is not to be disturbed."

"It's still hard to think of you as a father."

"She must be a bad influence on you—you're starting to imitate her speech patterns."

"She's a jumping bean."

"She's a—what?"

"She hops from topic to topic, usually into ones she doesn't belong. I trust she won't be asking me about my mother again?"

"She asked about your mother?"

"And there you thought you knew everything."

"I _see_ everything—there's a difference."

"Did you _need_ something, Master?"

"Only a chat with you. We haven't spoken in a long time, my apprentice."

"I've noticed. Allana's a good pal, though."

"Ben, you know I love you like a son—which is why I put up with your inane comments. I'd ask, though, that you be a trifle more _respectful_ when you speak of my daughter."

Ben rolled his eyes. "Begging your pardon," he said, not meaning a word of it. "Is there something I can do for you?"

"Leave the palace for the rest of the week. Your constant _war_ between Light and Dark is distracting my meditations—and Allana's as well."

Ben felt a searing flash of anger. "She is supposed to be studying, Master. I don't recommend too much meditation for the princess."

"Thought I wouldn't catch on to your little schemes, Ben Skywalker? _You_ are the true apprentice; you sure act the part. Need I remind you of the Rule of Two?"

Ben nearly smiled, but Allana's over-brilliant gray eyes rose to the surface of his mind. "Master, she's a bit overworked. Perhaps you should grant her a week of rest as well. She's pale—and I think she's not eating. She could do with a little more _parental_ attention, sir."

Caedus looked at his apprentice, weighing him silently. The Force whispered of betrayal—but it was not in the immediate future. He had nothing to fear from Ben—for now.

"Perhaps you are right," he conceded. "I will grant her a week of rest—but I want you gone from our presence. You are not looking well yourself. Whatever would your father say?"

And with that witty rejoinder, Darth Caedus left Ben, chuckling to himself.

_Oh, don't worry, Jacen. Your day will come, and that right soon._ Ben Skywalker smiled while he clenched his fists. Allana would be safe for a week; Ben could do with some "off" time.

_Perhaps it is time I visited my adopted sister. I should remind her of her manners._

* * *

Darth Caedus heard his apprentice's thought. Turning to his silent guards, he nodded. They saluted him and quickly quit his presence.

_Soon, my apprentice. Soon._

_

* * *

A/N: I adore feedback. :) _


	9. Chapter 9

Thanks to my loyal readers. There is still more to come. Thanks for being so patient!

* * *

Ben entered Bakura's atmosphere with no little amount of anxiety.

_Why am I doing this?_

_Search your feelings,_ his father's voice said within his memories.

_My feelings?_

If Ben were to allow himself to ever truly search his feelings...

_It won't destroy you,_ Allana's voice whispered. Or was that his conscience?

_Oh but it will_, he thought sadly. He had lost his mother, he had turned his back on the Jedi Order; he had disowned his father...

_I hate myself. I always have. And that is why I've turned. That is why I'm not fit for planting or for the fire. I hate what I am, what I've become. But the clock can't be turned back..._

Jacen had once promised he would teach Ben to flow-walk in such a way that Ben could 'fix things.' But Jacen, in his master role, had always ever been Caedus to Ben and that flow-walking business was all a lie. The clock could not be turned back, but Ben could return to the past anytime he wanted to watch himself make the same mistakes.

The small part of Ben, just on the lighter side, knew all of this. The rest of Ben sealed all of these thoughts—_traitorous thoughts_—in a mental chamber never to be opened again.

_But that's the thing about doors—they're made to open._ Jaina. His beloved cousin. She knew what it was like to give in to the Dark Side. Perhaps he'd better set course for her instead.

_No, Malinza first._ Why the desire to see that spoiled brat? Why the sudden need to see the usurper of his father's affections?

_Malinza, then Jaina._

He reached into the Force for stillness.

* * *

Caedus emerged from his meditation, looking over at his daughter. She was reading a datapad, brow furrowed—giving no indication that she was attuned to his subtle manipulations of his apprentice's thoughts.

He patted her on the head and stroked her dark red hair. The gray eyes looked into his; he smiled.

* * *

"Uncle? Do you like it?"

Malinza's voice quavered as she stood in front of her adopted uncle, waiting for the slightest twitch or tingle or reaction.

Luke's smile was bright enough to bring tears to her mismatched eyes.

"You look beautiful, my dear." And as he embraced her and kissed the top of her head, his thoughts again strayed to

_Ben. He's here._

_My son. My child._

_Returned._

_He's here._

* * *

Ben felt the warmth of his father's presence. _Oh no. _

But it was too late. He couldn't turn back now. Even if his father's presence was bright enough to light a system, let alone blind and expose him.

His landing gear was already down, coordinates set...he would be landing on Malinza's landing pad in just a few short moments.

* * *

The Force rippled. Danger, very close. But to whom?

Father and son both felt the Force roil with malicious intent. But neither was prepared to do the other harm.

* * *

No sooner had Ben's ship touched the pad than he had burst from the cockpit, his mother's lightsaber lit in his hand. He was running for his father, who had moved to stand in front of Malinza—

She was in her wedding dress and there were flowers in her hair. Her mismatched eyes were horrified. Ben could see that Luke was murmuring soft words to her, but he was not reaching for his lightsaber.

The Force was still tingling with threat, but Ben suddenly stopped.

"Hello, son," Luke said, gesturing with open palms.

"Father," Ben replied curtly.

"Have you come to the wedding?" Luke asked. Malinza was barely peeking over his shoulder.

Ben deactivated his lightsaber and clipped it to his belt. "I have," he replied.

"Ben, that's wonderful!" Malinza cried and made as if to run into his arms but Luke stopped her.

"I sense something..." Luke trailed off, his eyes on the sky. "Nothing. Ben, what are you doing?"

"I came to remind Malinza of her manners," Ben snapped. "How could you leave me out of an event as momentous as this?"

Malinza stepped out of the protective shadow of her 'uncle' and looked at her adopted brother-cousin. "I didn't think you'd care," she said softly. "I didn't know Sith lords cared about weddings. I didn't know they were capable of love."

"Well, I'm here," he grunted and tried to pass—and found himself firmly held in place by his father's strong hands.

"Ben? Is that really you?" Luke Skywalker stared into his son's face, but the words were not affectionate. Ben stared back and realized, with a pang, how much he had aged his father.

"It is," he replied. "Now can I go sit or something or do I have to stand here all day?"

Malinza made a gesture to Luke and Luke let Ben go. "I'm watching you, son," was all he said.

"Don't call me that," was all Ben said as he made his way to the garden for the ceremony.

Luke rushed to Malinza as soon as Ben left them. She was a little shaken, but fine, she assured him.

"Now go sit and watch," she smiled at him, her eyes clear again. "Don't forget your cue, okay? You have to give me away _properly_ or I won't feel like a bride!" With a last laugh, she dashed back inside, preparing to make her trip down the aisle.

* * *

_A/N: Feedback makes me write faster. :)_


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